The monster I’m going to talk about is more complex than what I had expected,
it has a great mask: an innocent face, pretty eyes, cute lips, is brunette and
it was created the moment this girl started to be unconscious so
it could get into her own world without noticing what was surrounding her;
it is a wolf dressed with sheep skin. She has some marks of the moments
it went out of control, and when
it leaves,
it makes her regret she didn’t had the strength enough to face it.
It lives inside a common girl; with friends, parents, people that cares about her, good grades, many talents...but she’s sure they don’t know or have an idea of the thing that many times takes total control of her.
She only gets to see it when she looks into the mirror and stares at her reflection (a twisted image of herself).She talks to it, she knows what it feels, what it wants, where it can take her...
It was calmed with affection, a love that, even though was probably faked, used to make it peaceful, feel satisficed with reality and accept every challenge (she knows it doesn’t help anymore to continue pretending, it won’t leave anything pleasant).
It has wings stained with blood, its heart has been broken so badly that it doesn’t care anymore what others might think or do, its eyes are always red because every time she wants to cry, she represses herself and the one that drowns in tears is it, it always talks to her and tells her whatever it is thinking, it’s always waiting, hearing, watching and taking everything, saving it for the right moment.... when it goes out of control.
It is her biggest problem, it is hurting her, it is part of her imagination, and it was born by the loneliness she created, rose with fear, insecurity, perfection, and acceptance, fed with lies, masks, ego, treachery, detonated by kisses, alcohol, lies, foreigners, murdered dreams, poisoned memories, screams, and calmed with cuts in her skin and bittersweet memories.
Her emergency exits are expressing its thoughts in a notebook (now a blog), drawing the images inside her head, reading heartbreaking quotes, and the most especial and kept safe: the razorblade next to her bed. The thing that showed her the reality of her weakness, that she needed help. The thing that makes her have so many problems in all aspects, what made her decide that there weren’t any more options left, she needed to speak, to take all the venom out of her, to stop attempting against herself, to start recognizing all the colors again, to stop pretending to be fine, to get solutions and taking pressure of her quickly and safely.
This monster is a reality, it is also part of the imagination of this author, it is burning inside her and keeping her captive of sunlight, she can’t keep on with this fake reality, she can’t continue living of dreams, she needs to get rid of her sick world, get new dreams, hopes and wishes.
This monster is me.
